Trying to Conceive, and not Conceiving

It’s no secret that my husband and I are trying to conceive. I have written blogs on how I have been preparing. I have talked to friends and family about our plans, I have met with my midwives and found a primary care physician to get a baseline of health. We pulled the goalie. I am not pregnant. 

Part of me feels like a fraud for even writing on this particular topic. Who am I (a woman who has kind of conceived on accident twice, with two beautiful healthy living breathing girls, who has only been “trying to conceive” for four months) to write this blog. I know there are women and there are couples who have suffered longer. Who never get pregnant, or have to utlize medical help to do so. There are many who have been through more for sure. But also my feelings of frustration every month are valid. When a couple decides they are ready to have a baby, and then they don’t make that baby, the disappointment that comes every month is still disappointment regardless of the journey behind it.

My sweet “Oh we’re pregnant” baby

In our situation, my husband and I know pretty much exactly what the hangup is. It doesn’t make it easier or better. Or I guess maybe it does. But only time can “fix” the issue. We are in a waiting pattern, waiting for our bodies to work together in the perfect way to make a whole other body. I told myself I would be patient, and I would be okay with however long it took. We knew starting this particular journey that it could be different from our others, but I don’t think I believed it. The disbelief is gone, I believe in the struggle because we are in it. My womb is empty and I only want to feel the flutters of hope, the push and prod of foreign movement inside of me. 

In a horrible sort of way I am grateful. I have said similar things about other topics, like having Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction in my second pregnancy, or navigating incontinence. These hard things, these issues, help me to relate to my clients. And while I hope and pray that I never experience the drastic and dramatic pain that is infertility, miscarriage, IVF, IUI’s, hormone injections, etc. and the pain, hope, and sadness that can come with all of those, these four months HAVE made me understand just a fraction of it. This is where the fraud part of this comes in. How dare I even try to relate, but the common thread here is that I want a baby. Mothers and couples experiencing those things, want a baby. The longing is the same even though the experiences are vastly different.

It could be easy to look at the last four months and question if I’m doing something wrong. And it is also easy to look at the last four months and realize how long, stressful, and hard they have been because of unrelated things. Stress and discomfort in life don’t lend themselves to fertility necessarily, even when the stress is good. My family has been on the road a whole lot. My grandfather passed away. My husband and I participated in a Crossfit competition. One of my best friend’s and fellow PPA coach suffered a horrific loss after a beautiful and full term pregnancy. I threw a birthday party and hosted guests. Then I hosted more guests. I took a hard test. I celebrated a baptism, a bachelorette party, and was the road crew for my dad, uncle, and husband as they biked across Missouri (with my kids in tow!). These things are good and hard and sad and frustrating and LIFE. And clearly, despite my fertility awareness tracking and careful planning and type A personality… It hasn’t been the right time. We didn’t make a baby.

Soaking up summer, content on the path I’m on

And even as I type that I am content. There are so many good and amazing things in my life. My house, my husband, my kids. Heck, even my dogs who are snoring away beside me right now...These things are good. I am happy. I am happy, and also I want to be pregnant. These feelings can exist together. 

Another good friend of mine (and one of my house guests mentioned above!) is also trying to conceive. For her, it’s her first time doing this. We are basically on the exact same cycle give or take a few days. I’m grateful for her alongside me. She has reminded me of what I know, and of some good points. She sent me two scriptures tonight. 

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” And Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Jesus Christ.”

So here I am. I am not going to continue to count months as if the time that goes by matters, because it doesn’t right now. I am going to be still. I am going to listen, knowing that God’s peace will transcend my understanding. I cannot figure out his timing because it is not mine to plan. I give it to him. I will relish in the blessings I have, continue to pray for what I want, and be thankful for this journey. 

If you are also trying to conceive, reach out to me! I would love more friends to walk this journey with, and I would be happy to help you with fitness while you do so.